Lol this was a post that I was supposed to put on my sight on July 16th, 2019 but never realized it never went up. I feel like everything happens for a reason though. Reading back on this really had me thinking of how much I’ve grown and how true to my words I was. I mean the accepting my emotions situation is a work in progress lol and I found out as to why. I’m not a Cancer Moon but a Capricorn Moon. xD( I got my birth certificate lol). Because I want you guys to see my transformation, I will post this up. I hope y’all can get something out of my reflections
It’s been one hot minute since writing and I feel soul bad because I made the promise to basically document my experiences while becoming more spiritually awakened. But I needed to take a break from everything, because a pattern kept appearing that needed to get fixed.
I continued writing though; writing about the power of words, new Numerological calculations, creating free Numerology charts for coworkers, friends and family, even learning the darker side of spirituality, Shadow Work. Nothing went on this blog because I felt as though no one actually cared to read my stuff and I felt like a phony because of people’s opinions regarding my spirituality. (the cycles that keep appearing)
“how can you claim to be spiritual when you always angry?”
“stop with the spiritual stuff, we are talking about real life!”
These are some of the statements that made me question myself a lot and not want to invest my time with writing articles anymore. I’ve been feeling like these statements were validation for the way I should think: I’m wrong and shouldn’t be called spiritually woke, I’m always angry, and I tend to forget that we live in reality. Life exists outside of spirituality.
I Realized I Lived “The Moon” Reality
I always have struggled to be myself because I was bullied for being too talkative, overly hyper and emotional af. I hated that version of myself soooooo much; It didn’t conform to societal expectations. I surpressed that version of myself. Anything that challenged the new version of me would be attacked and claimed to be out of “self-defense”. I’ve convinced myself over the years that if anyone told me about myself that sounded negative, I had to snap back and make sure they saw that what they saw wasn’t me. To make sure all they saw was the version of Elizabeth that they wanted to around.
The illusions I’ve placed in front of me is that I can’t be wrong, because being wrong is bad. It’s validation from others stating: who I am is not the way I’m supposed to be. It doesn’t help that I’m a Leo too lmfao. #ValidationAlwaysNeeded and #EgoOnHigh. I don’t want to be that way but something within me really needs that confirmation! It takes over who I am, affecting all of my relationships.
One of those relationships being the one with myself. I have this idea that I’m not enough, so I allow people to make decisions for me. My soul doesn’t like that and will make my emotions spike with anger, jealousy or confusion when things that I DO choose are seen as wrong or judged harshly. I had to take a break from people, places and things in order to get it together and actually figure out what I want from life/ from myself
July 2019 Retrograde Really Got my Ass!
Communication error with friends and family really got me in my feelings and had me seeing my negative traits in a different light. Its due to Mercury flip-flopping its rotation, or the illusion of it doing so.
Remember when I told you that I’ve been dabbling on the darker side of spirituality; Shadow work and what-not. Well, I feel that the current retrograde has guided me to look into it. I’ve been mind-fucked ever since, it’s crazy! Noting that I live in an illusion is one of the major things that I’ve learned through the Shadow Work process. Things that I thought I knew wasn’t even the full story. Deep connections that I had formulated turned out to be karmic relationships. AND MY EMOTIONS! Woah Child! Don’t get me started. Like who feelings are these? One moment I feel pure anger and rage, the next I feel empty or blah.
Though there are bright sides to finding all of this out. I realized that I am actually really great with talking. All I need to do is not focus so much on trying to appear perfect and just let the words flow. Eventually I can get to the main point if I allow myself to state what I think. Also, my intuition; Duuuude it is getting stronger!!! I am learning to trust my instincts, in turn learning to trust myself, which is the greatest form of love you can give yourself. And of course, accepting who I am, which is this loud, high-energy, highly-sensitive, spiritually driven limited addition individual.
Yeah this retrograde got me to realize I ain’t shit, but at the same time I am THE SHIT!
How I’m Moving Forward with this Info
I’m going to remove all the things in my life that does not serve me:
- dependent people with low vibrational frequencies
- trust issues
- repressing the shadow self etc…
I’m going to start posting way more. If time and energy allows, I’ll be posting things that I feel will resonate with others and not ask people to review it to ensure others will like it. Someone is bound to agree with what I’m saying and want to start a converstation regarding said topic or even take something from my banter.
I’m definitely going to accept things that I didn’t want to accept. Even the littlest dumb shit that I’d be mad about because I didn’t want it to be so. For one, and I know my soul sister is going to probably laugh at this one, is to accept that there is a probability of me being a Cancer Moon. (I don’t know for sure because I don’t have my full birth certificate that states the time and place in which I was born. Why? It’s a long story that I’ll leave for another time lol). The idea of being overly emotional got me tight because people used to always make fun of me for crying over “little things”, people wouldn’t express emotions around me growing up except for anger and being tough was where it was at. You had to be “Army strong” to live out here in the hood. So why would I accept being highly sensitive? But yeah, I accept it though.
There’s mad stuff that l’m going to work through for the rest of 2019 and I encourage for everyone to do the same. Take the time now to really embody The Hermit and look inward, introspect and express what you have learned. Who knows what you may learn about yourself in the long run!
If you’ve been feeling like a Hermit lately, let me know down below in the comments. What did your moment of introspection teach you about yourself? Do you think it has anything to do with this Retrograde or the Universe? Are you interested in learning more on shadow work?
Like always, may Love, Light and God guide you back home to you.